So Sorry

"We're so helpless, We're slaves to our impulses, We're afraid of our emotions"

Why is it that I can't make rational decisions? Love and Compassion I have, its Rationality that I lack. Opposite of Beatrice Kiddo. I want to be happy, I know I have to take risks. I want to. But I have to be sure which ones to take. I'm not sure if this is making much sense. I am physically and mentally exhausted. Its wearing me down, slowly but surely. So now I'll wait till Thursday evening and I'll be home free once again. Though being home is the last place I want to be. It's about time I move out. But that won't happen for a long time. There are so many things I want to do and get done but it will just take forever or never happen.

I feel the best after a few drinks and getting out on the dance floor.
It's no lie when they say you can dance your worries away.

Till the lights fade and I disappear into the shadows of the fallen crowd.

Hoppipolla.

"The Wind. An outdoor smell of your hair"

I can't imagine a life without the elements of the world.

Earth, Wind, Fire, Water.

We would not exist with these absent from our lives.

Much like Love, Trust, Ambition, Compassion.

Elements of my life.

Skeletons.

"Love my name, Love left dry. Frost or flame, Skeleton me"

I listen to the world. I listen to the sounds of the street and the crickets of the night. Though the rush is all around I feel nothing. I feel no one anymore. Billions of souls hovering around empty as me. The lights are speeding past my eyes. It's pitch black in the sky. I'm just standing still anticipating to move. Anesthetics. My own heart is holding me back. I don't know what I want or where I want to go. I need to do something. Risky. Daring. Something that turns the concept of "life" upside down. Wants and Needs. Those lights that keep gliding across my eye sight are the opportunities. And they are faster than anyone expects. Slipping like the unwanted dust through the cracks of the floor. Live life quick and short or slow down and take a good look. I have these dreams. I'm stopping everything in existence, I walk in silence. The silence you can only find in the abyss of space and time. I would reach my hands into the black sky. I am reaching for nothing. Dust falling inside and out of my fingers. Through the skeleton that resides in me. A voice ponders the words. It is faint and gentle. "You are born with nothing and you will die with nothing." I resign my post leaving love and compassion behind. I shall stride in peril to have known that love and to have lost it. I hope the abyss sends for me, to take me into the sky. Where no one and nothing exists.

Here Comes Your Man..

I can't imagine whats ahead for me. College literally starts in 6 hours. I'm too nervous to even sleep. I'm thinking about staying up until class starts. Is that insane? I just know that its one step closer to adulthood. Which I always convince myself I'm not ready for. I know that I will do great in whatever I do and that I will leave everyone in the dust. But I hadn't always thought that way. I figured everyone else around me would leave and go off to do great things. That's not the case anymore. Some people I used to look up to don't seem too much of inspiration anymore.

I have to inspire myself. I have to believe in myself. I have to trust in myself.
This phase in my life all I have is myself.
But if a few friends want to be there for the ride I will surely appreciate it.

Pleasure Vessels.

We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Fondness makes the absence longer"

I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in love is to like the other slightly less than you get in return. I keep feeling like I'm being under-cut. I cannot emphasize enough that my body is a badly designed, poorly put-together vessel. Harboring these diminishing so-called vital organs.

I hope my heart goes first.