Palermo Day 6

Today. Hmm, how do I explain today. Well I slept in, ate some fonzies. Had some water. Watched the simpsons. Rode bikes into town. Walked EVERYWHERE. Got some dinner (mozzarella sticks and pizza). Almost lost my hat to the wind. Light fell off. Broke my bicycle chain not twice but THREE times. Crashed into a stone wall (due to chain break). Ran out of breath. Light fell off again! Started raining. Almost passed out. Finally got home. Ate food. Watched the simpsons. Now I'm here. I felt so handicapped without sam's dad here. Thats why today was the way it was, Aldo wasn't here to drive us around (we would drive ourselves but neither of us know how to drive a manual)

I'm just ready to relax the rest of the night and catch up on some reading. I've had a lot of time to read and finished "Party Monster" by James St. James. Also I completed most of the series "Scott Pilgrim" by Bryan Lee O'Malley. It's what you would call anime/comic. Mostly comic. I read 5 books in two days. =D It just made me more excited for the movie thats coming out next year, starring... dare I say it... my biggest canadian crush... Michael Cera. It makes me laugh thinking about when it comes out and people see it and have NO IDEA whats going on. Read the books! They are so entertaining and hilarious. The humor in them is weird but recognizable. You can relate to at least one of the characters. I recommend them to ALL OF YOU!

Palermo Day 4

I'll be honest, I've been soo busy to blog. I'll update you though. Christmas Eve. We drove all the way up a mountain and walked through a small village called Elice, or something close to that. It was so wonderful. We stopped in a pub for some wine and cannoli's. How random! But in Italy it's not. Oh and in Italy you drink coffee after every meal. It's so crazy on how much coffee is consumed here. Later on we went to Grandma's and had dinner. The food is so much more fresh and delicious here. All the bread is homemade. YUM. I just ate mindlessly though, I don't know a lick of Italian. But I was asked about my tattoo and ears. It seemed strange but I was welcomed regardless. Samuele's cousins Dario and Luisa are probably my favorite so far. Oh and Walter too. They are the Italian versions of my ideal friends.

Next Day we slept in. We needed sleep for sure. We went to Luisa and Dario's house for Christmas Day Lunch. It ended up being so fun. We watched Italian Spiderman videos on youtube. It makes me laff. OH YEA, Samuele got me a Clockwork Orange bag and Aldo got me a fancy italian hat. Grandma got me some gloves and Luisa a ItalianPuma Tanktop. You know how much I love practical gifts. I also bought myself some mensdressshoetype heels. They are so chic. And only 15£. That's a steal.

So now we fast forward to today. The day after Christmas. I of course get to sleep in. How wonderful. We have a huge lunch. There is no such thing as a small meal here. lol. We watched some Simpsons and I got to watch Glee! I felt like I was home. Then somehow we sat down and watched Tropic Thunder. It was random. But anyways tonight we went out to eat dinner and I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY, Michael Cera's Italian Twin brother was our waiter. NO JOKE. I could not stop staring. It was uncanny! I would've married him right then and there. :D

"City Life" Palermo Day 1 cont.

I can't even begin to explain the rush of the city. First let me explain that most of the cars here are very tiny. Smart cars. Though I can't say the same for the drivers. The speed limit is almost non-existent and the lines are too. No one really uses their blinkers and it's all about getting where you need to go. No matter if you run over a civilian or block and ambulance. I felt exhausted just watching people drive. So finally we get to the city and it's overrun with mopeds. Teenagers and mopeds just do not mix well. We parked in an alley. Then commenced the walking. WALKING SUCKS. lol. All the shops had amazing clothes but obviously they were expensive. Typical. And I don't know if you know this America but purple is all the craze. Purple and shiny puffy coats with fur hoods. Trust me on this, there is a reason it hasn't caught on here yet. Haha.

I must say the best part of my night was dinner at Grandma's. I know earlier I said we were to have lunch, but we decided dinner so we could take an afternoon rest. We watched what is the original version of Deal or No Deal. It's much more intense when you don't understand what's going on. I don't know what I ate but it was satisfying and juicy. Wash that down with coke and you've had a good meal. Soda in italy kicks soda in america's ass. They just know how to do it right. Instead of sugar plums dancing in my dreams you'll see coke and fanta soda bottles. What a weird dream to walk in on. How awkward would you feel?

Palermo Day 1

Trail to our bikes.

Peephole outlook to sea.

I had to throw one of myself in there.

Thousand years old.

Our transportation = death trap. lol.



No editing necessary in Italy.

My newfound Italian cat, Frank Merriwether.
He's crosseyed and super lovable. I want to take him home.
That's enough for day one I suppose. Lunch at Grandma's!

Nutella on Toast

Why hello Palermo. It's unbelievable that you are 70F at 8:18 am. Italian Fresh Prince is playing in the background and it's HILARIOUS. Aldo made me nutella on toast and it was delicious. To be honest with you though I woke up needing to use the bathroom really bad and I basically walked into a deathtrap. I had no idea what was what in that bathroom. I guess it made for a funny situation seeing as I was half asleep. lol. Today I think Sam and I will be taking bikes and riding around the surrounding area. I can't wait to start taking pictures. The arcitechture is dazzling.
Thats all for now, I'll update later. :D

When in Rome

which I am. It's been a long day/night seeing as the time difference between Italy and Missouri is ridiculous. I'm am just sitting in the airport and Sam is sleeping right next to me. It's pretty hectic in here but a lot more relaxed than an American airport. My day started at 7:30 am leaving for the airport in st. louis. We had to catch our rent a car. Which in fact is actually called Dollar. I know, it's weird. Our driver sang us christmas songs. I think he specifically said, "I'm in rare form and ready to perform." So I guess you could say the day started off pretty well. lol. Then it was off to Chicago. Longest drive of my life. Sort of. We stopped off at Subway for breakfast. Which is always a good plan. Subway any time of the day is alright with me. Hours later we get to the airport, but first we had to have a coffe break. Haha. It was delicious.

We waited for a bit at the airport but finally borded. I was in the middle seat in the middle aisle. WORST SPOT EVER. Airplanes are really not that practical. It was small and uncomfortable but at least I got to sit next to Sam. And the movies they played weren't all that bad either. First movie was UP. Helloo! That movie is amazingly funny. I slept on and off. The guy next to me seemed to do the same. But first he pulled out Harry Potter 6. To be honest with you and hopefully i don't sound racist or offensive, but I've never seen a grown black man watch Harry Potter. It was awesome to say the least. BTW the toliets are no good.

So now I'm just relaxing in Rome. The fashion here consists of deisel shoes and poufy jackets. A lot of women wear boots here. It's just all around fancy. I look like a hobo. Skinny Jeans, converse untied, beanie and skate shirt. Typical American.

Sweet Disposition

a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh
a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs

I just can't believe that I'm leaving in two days for Italy. It's freaking me out! I'm so nervous. I just can't wait to start over with a clean slate, starting with some culture in my life. I won't miss anything about Missouri. At least I don't think I will. I didn't eve really ask anything for x-mas either. That's a first. 2010 will be it, I know it!

ONE FUCKIN WEEK TILL ITALY.
CAN YOU SAY "STOKED?"

Slow Life.

"Even though you're the only I see
It's the last catastrophe"



I would be counting down the days if I knew where and when I was moving out. I think I would like my family a lot more if I wasn't around them all the time. It's different for everybody though. To be honest with you, my hamster is making so much noise right now I can't even think. Why can't I just have that peace of mind? I deserve it. The last time I recall having it was when I found out about me "successfully" withdrawing from college. That was a relieving day. I think I might take up drawing again. I don't know why I stopped. I guess the thought of being forced to do art upset me. I hated being turned against my true love. I should have been stronger than that. But it is my human instinct to back out of anything and everything that I don't have control over. That makes sense on some kind of level I hope. I'm going to pick up drawing again and music. I need to find my compatible music soul mate. Also I need to start writing songs. This blog helps though. So many ideas, so little time...

Sunday Morning.

"You're trying my shoes on for a change
They look so good but fit so strange
Out of fashion so I can complain"



It's funny I would be listening to this song on a sunday morning. So far my day hasn't started well. I know it's early, but better early than never, as I always say, every once in awhile. lol. I just go upstairs to get a glass of milk and I end up giving the dog some water. Just the sound of her drinking put my dad in a rage. Then he wouldn't stop arguing with me about taking the dog out and being up too early. Wtf? Really? Why don't you sleep in your room instead of the family room. FAMILY room. More than one person. I don't know what his problem was, then he started going on about me getting kicked out. Like that had anything to do with what was going on. I just hope the rest of my day gets better. I mean I got my glass of milk and I'm watching Tom and Jerry. It ain't all bad. Now my cat is consoling me, what a guy.

Town Called Malice

"Better stop dreaming of the quiet life -
cos it's the one we'll never know"

I haven't blogged in awhile. Like REALLY blogged. I guess I haven't had anything important to say or anything exciting happen in my life. I'm content with that though. Too much of a thing can be overwhelming. Last night I stayed over at sam's and it was quite enjoyable. Sure he was annoyed I was two hours late, but it ended up being a good night. We watched some movies and drank some hot cocoa. It was also the first time we slept in the same bed together. It usually doesn't happen because he has a single bed. But that's the only reason. lol. We talked for hours. Got to know each other better. Had a tickle fight here and there. The best part was he let me have all the covers. I can't walk away from that. As friends go, I guess I'm starting from scratch somewhat. Who needs friends from high school? They aren't there for me now, therefore they are not relevant. "Some friends stay for a reason, others stay for a season." Is it sad that I heard that off of Hannah Montana? It's a good quote regardless. But yeah, I just am glad the school issue is done with and I can start fresh. 2010 is going to be my year.

I'll see to it.

SIXTEEN DAYS TILL PALERMO, ITALY

twenty two days till palermo, italy.

Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want

"Lord know it would be the first time"

this week is thanksgiving break. I don't look forward to most of it. Today I actually stayed up ALL day. I attempted to pick up guitar again. It's been a long time since I've played. I guess because it had a lot of memories attached to it. Not that they are shitty. They are just painful. I just hate who I've been. Ha, thats basically a Relient K song. But anyway, I'm just hoping to reconcile with EVERYONE before the year is over. Just be on good terms. I'm trying to change for the better. I reeeally hate who I was. I thought it was an ideal life. Yeah, no it wasn't. Those people don't have to accept my apologies, I guess hearing me out would satisfy me as well. I really really really want to change. Scratch that. I am changing. Let's hope I get it right this time. Along with those changes, with me picking guitar back up me and my brother sat down and actually hung out and made some music. Well we attempted. He kept showing me up with crazy riffs, but we have to start somewhere.

26 days till Palermo, Italy

28 days till Palermo, Italy

Us.

"We wear our scarves just like a noose
But not 'cause we want eternal sleep
And though our parts are slightly used
New ones are slave labor you can keep"

I like where things are going I suppose. There are things that could change but I'm not one to rush things. I've decided to make an effort to make new friends than stay alone. It's just better that way. No one deserves to be lonely, no matter how shitty of a person they are. It's like when snakes shed their skin. I just need to shed. Being comfortable is number one to people these days. It's all about your comfort zone. Well maybe it's not good enough. There is so much out there to experience. I have only skimmed the surface. But then again I don't know how to swim. So that's first on the list of things to do. Then I can take off. By summer next year I will be finally moved out. There are 2 plans that can be fulfilled. Me and Sam get an apartment or Me and Sam, Nick and Erinn, and who else gets a house. A house is initially the better idea because of the privacy and pet policy. But who knows what will follow through. I would like to get out of this area and move into St.Louis. But that's months from now. I'm sure my parents will be excited to see me go. I need to put on my adult suit and get out into the real world. But for now I shall relax. It's the holidays. Thanksgiving with my grandpa. Not the usual of the entire family cramped in a small house eating stuffing and having punch. It is quite sad. My family has fallen apart. No one wants to get together for the holidays anymore. It's depressing. And seeing as I'll be in Italy for Christmas it might be the same situation as Thanksgiving. I dislike the thought. But what can I do, I try to set up family get togethers and everyone is too busy. How are you too busy for family? So so sad..

37

d a y s
t i l l

I t a l y.

I don't have any snazzy title for this entry. nothing inspired me. my sleeping pattern is way off. as much as I love the weekends they truly are the bully to my sanity. things are so different than what I could ever imagine. just life in general. schedules. boyfriends. problems. school. attitudes. friends. or should I say no friends. I don't know if I'm okay with having no friends. Well except Sam, but he feels obligated to because I'm his girlfriend. I let plenty of people down. I think thats one reason why it's okay I don't have friends. But I miss that company. I know I'm not a good person. And you can give me reasons ALL day. It won't change anything. Time changes everything. But I understand that I don't deserve the time of day. So seeing as I am this shitty persona I always find it in me to let people back into my life. Not the best of people. Ex friends. Ex boyfriends. I'm just a lonely person. A lonely, sad recluse. But I have to make best with the resources I got.

Family. check.
Health. check.
Education. check.

everything else is just a supporting role is what is a play of my life.

Ballad of a Comeback Kid.

I can count my all my friends on one nub.

Ragged Wood.

COUNTDOWN TO ITALY
45 days.

Hidaway.

"we'll have a bit of fun,
watching everyone pass us by"

Everything seems to be looking up. school is almost over. dec 4th is the last day of school. so if I count down the days. I only have a few to catch up on last minute work. But seeing as I won't be going back for a long time, or ever, it's time to go full time job wise. also I finally get my tattoo of my grandma. this has been meaning to happen for awhile now. but my dad has made all the arrangements. a belated birthday gift. I've always loved belated anything. because you still get something special and it's not on a special day. therefore that day feels special. make sense? I have made new friends. they may not seem ideal to others but it goes a lot deeper than outward appearances. they are good people and drama free. italy is just weeks away too. I will stop stressing out until I have my passport in my hand. It better come in time. Actually scratch that, I won't stop stressing until we land in Italy and I have my luggage in hand and we are driving to aldo's house. Seeing as I have never been to an airport or on a plane all I have to go by is what you see on tv or the movies. But other than that I have nothing to complain about. this is just one of those blogs that don't have any poetic meanings. its just exactly what is on my mind. also I've been listening to karen O and the kids nonstop for 4 days and I can't get enough of it. If I could pick a soundtrack of my life they would be it. If I could pick a soundtrack of my dreams they would be it. It seriously completes me music wise. If I didn't already love Karen O enough already just throw in an untrained childrens choir and you have some of the most beautiful music ever made. It will be on repeat on the plane for Sicily.

Worried Shoes.

I took my lucky break and I broke it in two,
Put on my worried shoes, my worried shoes,

Took me so many miles and they never wore out,
My worried shoes, my worried shoes,

I made a mistake that I never forgot,
Tied knots in the laces of my worried shoes,

Every step that I take is another mistake,
I march further and further away in my worried shoes,

My shoes took me down a crooked path,
Away from all welcome mats,


My worried shoes..

A Stroll Through Manor Corridors.

“The lips know only shallow tunes.
The heart is where great symphonies are born.”

-Calvin Miller

“No one who deserves confidence ever solicits it.”

-John Lennon

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

-Dale Carnegie

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”

-Leonardo da Vinci

Fine For Now.

"All the kids on the waterfront try to raise their hands
Not asking for your permission, please understand"

Da ora in poi scrivo in italiano. La pratica rende perfetti. Per essere onesti Sono davvero preoccupato per la scuola adesso. Mi manca un sacco di classi. Voglio solo passare questo semestre e non tornare indietro. Odio la scuola. L'Italia sarà la cosa migliore che abbia mai succedere a me. Spero che cambia me. Anche se è per una settimana. Samuele è la cosa migliore che abbia mai succedere a me. Come io sto cercando di farlo attraverso queste ultime settimane di college. Sto anche cercando di scrivere musica. E di aggiungere a questo ho bisogno di trovare un lavoro. Ma temo che una volta che devo fare e il tempo per l'Italia arriva Sarà difficile a decollare per esso. Let's get insieme. È tutto quello che voglio. La mia vita, insieme.

La Llorona.

"Ever away from seeing more than life
The morning lies miles away from the night."

Credo che dovrebbero praticare il mio italiano. Quindi molto è cambiato solo nel giro di due giorni. Gli amici sono diventati nemici. Deve aver visto che uno a venire. Sono incline a recedere dal confronto, perché è assolutamente ridicolo. I can't stand it. Nessuna di esse è valsa la pena. Porta solo per argomenti di più su altre cose che appena si diramano del tema originale. È possibile chiamare me qualcosa che ti piace, non mi riguarda. Gettando le parole intorno non significa nulla. So come ci si sente e che è sufficiente. Sono felice di essere felice. Anche se questo significa che mi odi con una passione. All I Ever Wanted è stato per voi per essere felice. Ora siamo entrambi le nostre strade separate. Io sono sempre sicura che è per il meglio. Non più la scansione indietro. E 'stato sempre a riparare. Per cucire di nuovo insieme la nostra amicizia. Su una nota più leggera, oggi è il mio 19 ° compleanno e mi sento cippatrice. Nulla può rovinare oggi. Ci sono anche molte altre persone che ancora, come me, e riescono a rendermi felice. Viceversa. Forse sarò felice se mi limito a passare completamente a Palermo. Non si sa mai che cosa è in negozio per il futuro.

Intuition.

"A map is more unreal"

You can take your thick rimmed glasses, macbook, and death cab for cutie and stay out of my life. You've done nothing but string. You only know how to create and destroy. Not manage. You broke his heart. You broke my heart. You've changed. I've changed. We are not the same. Why waste each others time? People just come and go. Friends come and go as well. Throwing away 4 years is easy to do I guess. History means nothing. The hard part is when they do come back into your life. I'm not ready for that. Not in a long shot. So read your catcher in the rye and wear your cardigan sweater. Watch running with scissors and buy more photo equipment. It won't make life any sweeter. It'll just look appealing on the outside. On the inside you are probably always crying. I can't help you.

Only one good thing happened today, Samuele is taking me to Italy for Christmas. 56 days till I wake up in the beautiful city of Palermo, Italy.

“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway.
You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.”

-Eleanor Roosevelt

No Suprises.

"A heart that's full up like a landfill,
a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal."

It doesn't bother me that I've been replaced. I didn't want to be with you. So be happy. I'm not bitter about this situation. People get mad and say things. It doesn't matter if you forgive me or not because I know I did nothing wrong. I don't own designer clothes or a designer attitude. Can I be different and blend? That sounds like an oxymoron. I have never been a hipster eitherI've always had the same colors, just different clothes. I like diversity. Is that such a crime? I am the only one that has a say. Because we are all in control of ourselves. Let's keep it that way. We don't have room to say anything about each other. So let's stop.

And by the way it's 7,404.
And it takes time to learn songs by heart.
Way to be exactly what you hate.

Judgemental.

The Cat Returns.

goodbye for now.

I Thought You Were My Boyfriend.

"I know you don't love me, You know I don't care.
Keep it hidden better, Did I say the world was fair?"

It revolves around the sun, the earth. Everyone in the world got the memo. I do not want to be with you. I am not obsessed with you. I can breathe without you. A friendship earned. Caught in petty traffic. Let it get the best of us, eh? It doesn't matter how others feel. Emotionally. Physically. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. What? You're not into catching flies? Well you won't get far.

I am not made of a thousand lies. Yours and mine combined won't add up. I am made of nothing but honesty. You've worn those glasses too long. Your perception is off. That wall is not real. Symbolic none the less. It is your safety net. So is a blankie or a pacifier. Are you a child? No, you're not. I know this. Tendencies. I don't 'need' anything more than companionship.

Companionship: com·pan·ion·ship. Function: noun. "the fellowship existing among companions"

By definition it seems like you can't exceed the most simple requests. I know how to run my life. To an extent. I will not ride nor grab a bull by the horns because you say. And as for your treacherous waters and beast, they can take a vacation because no one will be attempting to cross for a long time.

At this rate you might as well make it a permanent vacation.

Wake Up.

"If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up."

I just don't understand people. Male or Female. He was treated like a child. He was controlled. When I "accidently" treated him so I was shunned. He was angry. No talking. But the vanity within this other person he is trying to be with is oozing. Is it the beauty that blinds? I treat him like an adult. I treat him like a friend. I treat him like an equal. Her, not so much. But I may not know. I could be making assumptions. But I only go by what you told me. Thats all I have. She will break your heart. She will leave you alone. She is like everyone else that left you empty. Its a mask. Take off your rose colored glasses and take a look around. It may be me looking out for you. It could be jealously. You know I still love you. As a friend of course. Young and Confused. At my age it's perfectly normal. I want you to be happy. But I'm sick of being unselfish. Two options make doesn't make life easier. Just don't get hurt. Don't wear the shades for too long.

D.A.R.L.I.N.G.

"In the highest blackened moon there'd be more life in the right shade of our sighs."

I know nothing and I know everything. Why do our brains have a lock? Why do they keep secrets from us? We keep them up and running so why do they hide important things from us? A brain is a tool. An organ. Not a mother. Not a father. What gives it the right to choose what we can know and not know? Questions. Questions. Questions. Don't expect your mind to give you the answer. I ask these things because if I had known answers to problems early on I would have never been in situations I am today. Is is a lesson or a punishment?

You want me to learn. You want me to suffer. Thoughts go a long way.

Satan Said Dance

"My hair turns white and my face turns green
But my feet are still moving if you know what I mean"

Adventureland.

What's the point of being a writer or an artist anyway? Herman Melville wrote fuckin' Moby Dick, he was so poor and forgot by the time he died that in his obituary they called him Henry Melville. You know, like why bother? They're just going to forget our fuckin' names anyway. I mean, he wrote a seven-hundred page allegorical novel about the whaling industry. I think he was a pretty passionate guy.

I hope they call me Henry when I die too.

Meat Is Murder.

"Closer comes the screaming knife
This beautiful creature must die
This beautiful creature must die
A death for no reason
And death for no reason is murder"

I Am Trying To Break Your Heart.

Plus Ones

"No one wants to hear about your 97th tear
So dry your eyes or let it go uncried, my dear"

If I had a chance to start my life all over again I would. Just for the fact I could have made better decisions. I know everyone claims they don't regret anything. Well I am not ashamed to say I do regret things. Small to big. They made the difference. I am not stating I don't like who I've become. I just wish it could be better. I want the best. I am tired. I am worn. Physically and Mentally. I hate not being beautiful. But I love making beautiful things. I admire love. But I hate the lie within it. My hands grow weak the longer I go on. Why can't we all be bionic? Thats a world I would some day like to live in. Patience is a virtue. But its not mine.

So Sorry

"We're so helpless, We're slaves to our impulses, We're afraid of our emotions"

Why is it that I can't make rational decisions? Love and Compassion I have, its Rationality that I lack. Opposite of Beatrice Kiddo. I want to be happy, I know I have to take risks. I want to. But I have to be sure which ones to take. I'm not sure if this is making much sense. I am physically and mentally exhausted. Its wearing me down, slowly but surely. So now I'll wait till Thursday evening and I'll be home free once again. Though being home is the last place I want to be. It's about time I move out. But that won't happen for a long time. There are so many things I want to do and get done but it will just take forever or never happen.

I feel the best after a few drinks and getting out on the dance floor.
It's no lie when they say you can dance your worries away.

Till the lights fade and I disappear into the shadows of the fallen crowd.

Hoppipolla.

"The Wind. An outdoor smell of your hair"

I can't imagine a life without the elements of the world.

Earth, Wind, Fire, Water.

We would not exist with these absent from our lives.

Much like Love, Trust, Ambition, Compassion.

Elements of my life.

Skeletons.

"Love my name, Love left dry. Frost or flame, Skeleton me"

I listen to the world. I listen to the sounds of the street and the crickets of the night. Though the rush is all around I feel nothing. I feel no one anymore. Billions of souls hovering around empty as me. The lights are speeding past my eyes. It's pitch black in the sky. I'm just standing still anticipating to move. Anesthetics. My own heart is holding me back. I don't know what I want or where I want to go. I need to do something. Risky. Daring. Something that turns the concept of "life" upside down. Wants and Needs. Those lights that keep gliding across my eye sight are the opportunities. And they are faster than anyone expects. Slipping like the unwanted dust through the cracks of the floor. Live life quick and short or slow down and take a good look. I have these dreams. I'm stopping everything in existence, I walk in silence. The silence you can only find in the abyss of space and time. I would reach my hands into the black sky. I am reaching for nothing. Dust falling inside and out of my fingers. Through the skeleton that resides in me. A voice ponders the words. It is faint and gentle. "You are born with nothing and you will die with nothing." I resign my post leaving love and compassion behind. I shall stride in peril to have known that love and to have lost it. I hope the abyss sends for me, to take me into the sky. Where no one and nothing exists.

Here Comes Your Man..

I can't imagine whats ahead for me. College literally starts in 6 hours. I'm too nervous to even sleep. I'm thinking about staying up until class starts. Is that insane? I just know that its one step closer to adulthood. Which I always convince myself I'm not ready for. I know that I will do great in whatever I do and that I will leave everyone in the dust. But I hadn't always thought that way. I figured everyone else around me would leave and go off to do great things. That's not the case anymore. Some people I used to look up to don't seem too much of inspiration anymore.

I have to inspire myself. I have to believe in myself. I have to trust in myself.
This phase in my life all I have is myself.
But if a few friends want to be there for the ride I will surely appreciate it.

Pleasure Vessels.

We Are Beautiful, We Are Doomed

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Fondness makes the absence longer"

I taught myself the only way to vaguely get along in love is to like the other slightly less than you get in return. I keep feeling like I'm being under-cut. I cannot emphasize enough that my body is a badly designed, poorly put-together vessel. Harboring these diminishing so-called vital organs.

I hope my heart goes first.

Dragonfly Pie.

"Show and Tell, Preach and Yell."

I have fallen into old habits. It was as easy as a skip, hop, and a jump. This time feels different though. Like it could quite possibly work out for the best. All the times before I wasn't completely over it. Now I had come to terms with the situation and understand what needed to be done. But now that I say the window has closed, but not completely, he questions me. Which makes me assume that he may like me once again. And thinking this I'm still having the thoughts of the maturity level I've achieved these past months.

It could work this time.
But now he is wondering why I think these things and doesn't understand how I interpreted these thoughts from him speaking. Then comes in the assuming. Which I always tend to do.


NOT ON PURPOSE.

So I gave him the oppurtunity. A day to think it over. It all comes down to a simple phone call today.

It will decide the fate for us both from here on out.




/stressed and nerve-wrecking/

Hypnosis.

I never know when or where something is going to happen. And I wish so much that I did. To cheat life. Because I know I am a good person in some ways more than another. So I deserve the good that life has to offer.

Maybe I just need to reinvent myself. I hate not knowing what to do.

Then again I don't like being told what to do.

A never-ending vicious cycle.

Zero.

"Never far gone, so get your leather on."

Life has flashed before my eyes in these past couple days. I've realized what I'm good at and what I'm not. Who my real friends are and who isn't. What I can accomplish. What I can't accomplish. My limits. Myself.

I've realized that regardless of what happens after graduation I will make the best out of every situation. Even if it is on my own. I want my own life. Not the one they hand to you when you start your first day of kindergarten.

I've recycyled that life. And started from scratch.

From now on I will be who I've always wanted...




Melody.

Famous Last Words.

"These bright lights have always blinded me."

I think that if worse comes to worse, I could walk this world alone. I've been so used to being alone as a child and growing up to now. Though I may not have been an only child. There are very few people that actually "know" who I am. What I've experienced and where I want to go in life. Those few probably don't think they are anything special for knowing me or those things. But you are. You know my story.

Because everyone is born, they grow, then they die.

It's not the possesions that you leave behind. It's the story. The imprint.

I entered this world with nothing. I plan on leaving with nothing.



That may sound depressing. But I find it peaceful. To have never known what it is to worry about material things and superficial people. That's the kind of world I would want to live in.

And I will try my hardest to make it so.

As for those people that I have left a imprint on, I hope you cherish every moment with me. And that you will always remember me for who I was, not what I did. Someone who accepted your flaws as beauty. Had a place in her heart for every one of you. And I still do, regardless of situations and conflictions. Looking back on the past is no longer something I do.

I'm just prepared for right now. Will you join me on this journey to the end of the world?

Colors.

"All the needy still need

And all the losers still lose

All the preachers still preach

But they ain't bringing no change"

I don't understand most people. And I can admit I don't understand myself alot of the times too. But I am always positive that something good will come out of it. Someone once said, "Every time god closes a door somewhere a window opens. So you have something to jump out of."

I believe they had something right there. No offense.

I have my negative and positve outlook. Everyone does. No one is perfect. Why would god make us all so different to follow rules that makes us all the same.

I should be able to express myself however I please. I am my own person.

Yet no one will accept me.

I have always accepted everyone for who they are.

Flaws and all. So when is it my turn...

Call it off.

"Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at. 

Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at."

But now we'll never know...

I am under the impression that I'm the only one who believes in trust and faithfulness. 

And actually wants to have someone to lean on in life. 

Someday I will let up on everyone and take their advice. 

But I'm so stubborn that I am afraid I'll never be okay. 

It feels as if we make the sun shine...

Too bad it's only me that feels that.

Good Day.

So you don't want to hear about my good song?
And you don't want to hear about how i am getting on
With all the things that i can get done
The sun is in the sky & i am by my lonesome
So you don't want to hear about my good day?
You have better things to do than to hear me say

So you don't want to hear about my good friends?
You don't have the guts to take the truth or consequence
Success is in the eye of the beholder
And its looking even better over your cold shoulder

I'm not suggesting you get to line me up for questioning
But Jesus think about the bridges you are burning
And i'm betting
That even though you knew it from the start
You'd rather be a bitch than be an ordinary broken heart

So go ahead and talk about your bad day...
I want all the details of the pain and misery
That you are inflicting on the others
I consider them my sisters and I want their numbers

I picked up the pieces of my broken ego
I have finally made my peace as far as you and me go
But i'd love to have you up to see the place
& i'd like to do more than survive i'd like to rub it in your face.....

And i'm on fire...

So you don't want to hear about my good day?

Cape Cod.

I'm seriously sitting here in the computer lab at school. How uninteresting.
I'm supposed to be working on a powerpoint, but thats lame.


I guess that makes me lame too.
I painted my nails purple and I'm wearing white gladiators.

SMILESarecontagious.

Leggy Blonde.

I keep my hopes to a minimum now a days.

Don't want to get too attached, you know?





But who knows. I don't.
Bleh.

Chewin the Apple of Your Eye.

Today my photography teacher informed me that I recieved 2nd place in the USA Character Project Contest. Thats a big deal. I'm proud of myself. I'm on my way to being famous.


Whew, it definetly takes alot out of me.
Being a baller and all. lol.

The Backtrack.

"Well well well..." he said with a grin upon his malic expression. He took my waist and pulled me close eager to inflict pain upon my heart and soul.

Never thinking about how this person whom I had loved so much could treat me like yesterday's news. Fingers were binding into my soft skin making my blood boil. I wasn't just someone you found off the streets. "I was always there for you," I whispered.


With the grimace expanding into something more pyschotic, words slipped through his tight lips, "This isn't the end, for me at least."


Falling into the ground as he let up on his grip my eyes slowly reached the back of my sockets filling with the deep red. I had died. My heart laying beside me decaying at rapid speeds..

Though I was still breathing my soul had not been.

I am still alive on the outside, but on the inside...


I am nothing more than a rotting corpse.





revival seems more and more mythical everyday.

Hide and Seek.

"the dust has only just begun to fall, crop circles in the carpet, sinking feeling."


Hmm, why do I feel myself falling back into old habits. And when I say old habits I mean him. The one I can't let go. I am giving everything I have to someone who doesn't see me anymore than a good ole chum. I love him, and he loves me.

But not in the same intensity.


So that leaves me feeling the loneliness I always endure.

I have a hole inside me that needs patching up, and I'm a liar if I say I don't.


I have adventure on my sleeve and I'm looking for company.




I don't know if I can move on from this disfunctional friendship that I want to be so much more. If worse comes to worse then I'll just have to take drastic measures. I can't fathom what those options are at this moment. But I'll know soon enough.

Pinapple Express.

So here is the pointless light hearted post you've been asking for. Lol. Even though you haven't been asking.

I watched Pinapple Express tonight at Sam's casa. It was a good time.

Who doesn't love stoner movies.

Woop.

Sleeping Lessons.

"I've got nothing left on which I depend."




I'm not starting over because I want to, but because I have to. For my own sanity of course. Things will get better. Time heals all.


You know, that old hat.

But it's more complex than time itself. It's self-healing. You have to want to get better and change. And I do. I'm not sure if I'm talking in circles, which I usually do when I'm stumped on how to get the words out correctly. So try to stay with me here.


I originally got the appreciation I deserved in the beginning. Much too early if you ask me. I hadn't been where I am now as an artist. But now that I'm much more advanced I'm getting less and less appreciation. I am not getting the praise or attention that I truly deserve. And I know I try much harder than the rest in my class. For the approval. Am I going blind and not seeing what everyone else is seeing, that I've truly lost what I had before. Or am I not being seen... Have they gone blind?

Honorable Mention isn't worth anything in my world.


I'm not going to lie when I admit I am a sore loser. But I know that I'm better than most. And if no one has that kind of confidence in me then why shouldn't I have this confidence in me?

Question after question. It's the blind leading the blind.



Don't worry, someday I will have a post a little more light-hearted.

Full Moon.

I wish that I had been born somewhere else.
Because luckily then I might've been a completely different person.

I'm not implying that I hate who I am and the person I'm becoming. I just feel like where I am holds back options of being different.


I'm also just some kid in the Midwest and I'm trying to make this life as bearable as possible.


Though getting away from this reality isn't too hard. Just pop in a good film in the vcr. Or go to a live show of music you've never listened to. Read a book you hate to admit is totally worth it. I know those don't seem like alot of options. Exspecially options that seem worth the time. But they are to me. I like it simple yet complicated. What an oxymoron, but still it works for me personally.





"I am going out to see what i can sow,
And i don't know where I'll go,
But i don't know what I'll see,
But I'll try not to bring it back home with me."

Eyes On Fire.

Where to start....

A "recluse" is what they call me. You would think comments like that would bother me, but it comes off more as a compliment. I've trained myself to adapt to being alone for long periods of time. Now you think also, "why that is a sad way to live life", but its not. The people who fall hard usually are tortured by this lonliness. Yet I just sit back and relax.

I AM human. But I'm just better prepared.




"Practice makes perfect."

I've had close relationships with others. But it's hard to say which ones were really worth it in the long run. And which ones are sincere. I try not to depend on these "graceful beings" as I would call them. Because they think their shit don't stink. And I see those "beings" fall long and hard into a painful abyss. I don't want to be featured as the latest kill like one of them. I'm not feature material. I'm the "recluse" remember?



But since I am still human I do get caught up in the usual. Emotions mostly. My favorites have to be calm, passionate, tired, lonesome, enthusiastic, quirky, depressed.

These favor to me because they are me.
I hate to say I'm anything but myself, but it's like a compilation.

A little bit of everything to make something as good as me.


Who would of guessed its as easy as a recipe.

A quart of dry humor,
2 cups of adoration,
1 tsp of charm,
3 dashes of intellegence,
and coat it with a smile.

Does that sound about right?